MARRIAGE MATTERS

Week One – Commitment

What matters in a marriage?

A lot of things; everything! Everyone will have a slightly different perspective on "what matters most in a marriage." What matters the most to you might be where you are struggling the most… Or it might be where you are most successful.

Books and tapes and seminars on marriage are each author’s or speaker’s attempt to answer the question. This series of workshops is mine. I pray that as we look at the things I think matter most in marriage that each of us as couples will be strengthened where we are struggling the most, and be secure in our successes.

We are all at different places in our experience of marriage:

1. Some have endured a painful previous marriage or marriages while others have not.
2. Some have been married a relatively short time while others have been together for decades.
3. Some were married as believers while some became believers after you were already married.
4. There are blended families, and marriages with no children at all.

I have asked God to answer all your most personal questions and address all your most private concerns. I know He can; I believe He will. At the same time, I want to explain that this is not a time for individual marriage counseling. I don’t want any husband or wife to be embarrassed by their spouse or anyone else. We want to have open, lively discussion; but it needs to be without accusation or assassination of your partner.

There is a feeling that if you sign-up for a marriage workshop like this, it’s because your marriage is in trouble. Marriages – even Christian marriages – are in trouble. Yours might be, but I am not assuming it is. I am assuming only that you love the Lord and that you want to love each other in a way that honors Him.

Where do we start talking about marriage? The best place to start is where God starts. You’re not even through the second chapter of the Bible before God introduces you to His plan for marriage. In chapter one of Genesis God creates a universe so that you would have someplace to live. He tells you repeatedly that His creation is "good." By the end of the sixth day, man and woman – Adam and Eve – are in the Garden of God and God says He "saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good" (Genesis 1:31).

As you begin chapter two of Genesis God wants to give you additional details of His creation of man and woman, additional details into day six. God created Adam, put him in the garden, and then He said, "It is not good that man should be alone" (Genesis 2:18). So He creates a woman, brings her to the man. Then, and only then, was God able to see "everything He had made, and [declare that] indeed it was very good."

The most basic and fundamental principle to understand is that marriage is from God and therefore it is good. Since it is from God and is good, He will give you the grace you need to accomplish it in His strength. You’ve heard me say many times that God’s commands are God’s enablings. This is nowhere more true than in your marriage! Christian marriages struggle when the Christians in them forget that God has already enabled them to succeed by depending upon Him for the strength they need.

If I wanted to put this in outline form (which I do!), I’d say two things: #1 Your Marriage Was Made In Heaven, and #2 Your Marriage Can Be Made Heavenly.

#1 Your Marriage Was Made In Heaven

"It’s a marriage made in heaven" is an expression we use to describe only the best marriages. It is reserved for those rare relationships that seem to be all success and no struggle. The truth is that, if marriage itself was made in heaven, then your marriage was made in heaven.

I can confidently say that your marriage was made in heaven because marriage is a revelation from God. First of all, God reveals to you what a family consists of:

Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

A family consists of a father, a mother, and their child or children. A family is created by marriage. All of the other living arrangements society has invented are not the revelation of God for families.

A family is created by marriage, and marriage is created when the children in two families leave and are joined together.

In passing I would note that God created human beings "male" and "female," and that a marriage that creates a family is always between a man and a woman – never between two men or two women.

Marriage is a revelation from God. Because it is, it is regulated by God. You see this in verse twenty-four when God says "therefore." Therefore is a word of command. God is telling you what to do in the marriage. This is often overlooked. It is overlooked when two people are having difficulties getting along. Feelings become important, too important. Your relationship with God is dwarfed by your relationship to your spouse.

Instead of depending on your feelings, God empowers you to walk by faith. Think of Adam and Eve: Both of them submitted to God’s plan by faith. Their feelings came later.

Remember: God’s commands are His enablings. You can walk by faith rather than by feelings in your marriage.

Marriage is regulated by God. Because it is, it is a reflection of God. It reveals God to people who are watching you! In Ephesians 5:32 you read,

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

Ephesians 5:26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,

Ephesians 5:27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

Ephesians 5:28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.

Ephesians 5:29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

Ephesians 5:30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.

Ephesians 5:31 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."

Ephesians 5:32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

We always look to these verses for principles. Husbands should lead with love; wives should love to be led. Behind them is the wonderful idea that God has given you marriage to reveal the mystery of Jesus Christ’s love for you! It’s kind of humbling to think that people understand the love of God by looking at your marriage… But it’s true. Your marriage reflects God’s love for lost mankind.

You see this all the way from Adam and Eve in the Garden of God to Jesus on the Cross at Calvary. Adam was put to sleep; when he awoke a bride had been formed from the wound in his side.

On the cross at Calvary, Jesus Christ experienced physical death which the Bible describes as "sleep." To verify that He was truly dead, the Roman soldiers in charge of His crucifixion pierced His side with a spear. Jesus, though dead, awoke from the sleep of death - He raised from the dead, victorious in His resurrection, and is therefore a Living Savior today.

From the wound in His side a bride is still being formed today. To illustrate how much He loves each of us, The New Testament calls Jesus the heavenly Bridegroom; those who trust Him for eternal life are called His Bride. They are all those who believe on Him for salvation - His Bride, taken out of His wounded side.

So: Your marriage was made in heaven. Since it was,

#2 Your Marriage Can Be Made Heavenly

Making your marriage heavenly is the goal. In order to get to the goal, we need to have the Bible’s definition of marriage. I believe that the Bible’s definition of marriage is that it is a "covenant of companionship."

The Jews were divorcing their wives. As God rebuked them for it in Malachi 2:14 He also gave the biblical definition of marriage:

Malachi 2:14 Yet you say, "For what reason?" Because the LORD has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

You read something similar in Proverbs 2:16-17,

Proverbs 2:16 To deliver you from the immoral woman, from the seductress who flatters with her words,

Proverbs 2:17 Who forsakes the companion of her youth, and forgets the covenant of her God.

Again you see that God considers marriage a covenant of companionship.

What do we mean by covenant? We mean that marriage is based on binding promises exchanged between a man and a woman. We make marriage vows. God takes our making of vows seriously!

Deuteronomy 23:21 "When you make a vow to the LORD your God, you shall not delay to pay it; for the LORD your God will surely require it of you, and it would be sin to you.

Deuteronomy 23:22 But if you abstain from vowing, it shall not be sin to you.

Deuteronomy 23:23 That which has gone from your lips you shall keep and perform, for you voluntarily vowed to the LORD your God what you have promised with your mouth."

In Ecclesiastes 5:2-5 you read,

Ecclesiastes 5:2 Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on earth; therefore let your words be few.

Ecclesiastes 5:3 For a dream comes through much activity, and a fool’s voice is known by his many words.

Ecclesiastes 5:4 When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; for He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed -

Ecclesiastes 5:5 Better not to vow than to vow and not pay.

In James 5:12 you read,

James 5:12 But above all, my brethren, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your "Yes" be "Yes," and your "No," "No," lest you fall into judgment.

Marriage vows are a serious, binding promise. They are your commitment to marriage. They are what make marriage a covenant.

This sense of commitment is lost in much of modern society and in much of modern Christianity. We have grown inward and selfish and are taught that it is OK. If you begin with God, rather than yourself, you will understand the place of commitment. Marriage is God’s gift to you; but it exists to bring glory to Him! God wants you to be happy and fulfilled; but you will only be happy and fulfilled if you look past yourself and your spouse and submit yourself to the Lord and His plan for marriage.

You have made (or will be making) a covenant of companionship. Companionship is the nuts-and-bolts stuff. We will look at companionship and what it involves: Communication… Conduct… Courtship… Church. There are other things we can and will discuss under those topics; but these are the main things we need to understand if marriage is to matter.

Conclusion

As a devotion, for the duration of these studies, I’ve asked you to read The Song of Solomon. As you read through the Song of Solomon you will discover a strong sense of commitment on the part of the Shulamite maiden, Solomon’s spouse. Three times in the book she declares her all-out commitment: 2:16, 4:1, and 6:3. Towards the end of the book she says,

Song of Songs 8:6 Set me as a seal upon your heart, As a seal upon your arm; For love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave; Its flames are flames of fire, A most vehement flame.

Her committment is "as strong as death" and "jealous" like "the grave." There’s no middle ground with death and the grave - - they are all consuming. They demand everything from you. Her commitment was full and unflinching.

She mentions a "seal" on Solomon’s heart and arm. In ancient times a seal indicated ownership. It was placed upon an object of great value. She wanted to own Solomon - - to fully posses him. His dreams and his desires were no longer his property. They belonged to her as well. They would dream together; their desires would become the same.

The seal on his heart meant that he knew that he was hers; the seal on his arm meant everyone else knew he was hers.

It’s a good example for you. Make certain that you are totally committed to your spouse. Make sure that yours is a covenant relationship – based upon binding promises, your marriage vows.