MARRIAGE MATTERS
Week Seven – Complications & Crises
Introduction
Certain common problems complicate your marriage and can lead you into crises. The three most common are:
#1 Parenting Problems
Developing a biblical strategy of parenting is more than having a list of do’s and don’ts. Certainly there are things that can be easily answered. But what you first need is a biblical mindset and worldview by which you develop your list of do’s and don’ts. Some people like to call this a philosophy of parenting. You have to have a philosophy of parenting before you can have practical answers. Your practice is based on your philosophy. I prefer to use the word strategy – but that’s the basic idea.
One reason you need to develop your biblical strategy is that there are so many confusing and conflicting strategies being offered both by secular experts and Christians. For example, in 1945 a new strategy was developed by Dr. Benjamin Spock. It was based on psychology. The book sold nearly one million copies the first year, and about thirty million copies to date. That means that fully one-third of all parents past fifty years of age have been influenced to some extent by this book – many of them fully adopting Spock’s strategy.
His strategy was unbiblical. He taught parents not to inhibit a child, but to give him the freedom to be himself; and not to use physical punishment in disciplining a child, but to lovingly reason with him instead. This is basically the strategy being offered by the American Academy of Pediatrics, but with a new twist: Instead of being a suggested strategy, they want to make it the law!
If you already have children, then you already have a strategy, and you’ve been following it. You may not know what it is – but you have it.
Since you’re Christians, you are developing a biblical mindset and worldview. Everyday, as you read God’s Word and pray, you are getting God’s perspective on every area of life.
Your goal is to have you develop your biblical strategy for parenting based solidly on a biblical mindset and worldview.
Let me share our strategy. It involves five things: Scheduling, Spanking, Supervision, Socializing, and Separating.
Scheduling involves things like feeding philosophies. I can tell you right now that we favor what is currently called parent-controlled feeding over demand-feeding. As young parents, and young Christians, we had no real biblical strategy for training kids. A friend gave us the book, My First 300 Babies, by Gladys West Hendrick. It advocates putting infants on a realistic schedule of feeding, wake-time, nap-time, and play-time – all controlled by the parents, not the demands of the infant. It was a life saver!
Spanking is a controversial subject. We spanked our children and we advocate corporal punishment as absolutely necessary to train up godly children. It has been my observation that most Christian parents do not really spank their children. They say that they do… They think that they do… But what they really do is try to reason with their children so that they will have a reason not to spank them. We’ll discuss how and when to spank, and with what implement.
Supervision has been a key element in training up our kids. We strove and still strive to always know exactly where they are, why they are there, and who they are there with. We will suggest to you that you must approve the friends your kids hang around with. It’s not up to them to choose; it’s up to you. Here is something radical we will tell you: We do not think sleep-overs are a good idea. Also, as your kids get older, you might need to invest in pagers or cell phones.
Socializing overlaps with supervision as far as choice of companions and other activities. We will talk about sex education. When do you start, and what do you say? We will talk about school choices. Should you send your kids to public schools? Private Christian schools? Home school? I’ll let you know right now that we see all three as viable options. We don’t think that the Bible demands one over the other. You can be a Christian and be following the Lord’s leading in any of the three choices. We preferred Christian schools, and we did some homeschooling.
Separating means concentrating on the marriage – the relationship between husband and wife. You are training up your kids to see them go away. When they go away, there should be something left in your home: A joyous, wonderful, growing love for your spouse.
Let me mention one additional area: Blending families. According to the Census Bureau, as of the year 2000 more than 50% of all Americans were living in some sort of step-family relationship. According to the Stepfamily Foundation, two out of three blended relationships ends in divorce.
Most Christian couple do not take seriously enough the challenge blending families can become. When a couple is planning to marry and blend families, I encourage them to adopt the same biblical strategy for parenting we’ve just discussed. There is no special strategy for blended families – only a willingness to obey God’s principles. Good advice for those who are not yet married would be:
As far as the kids:
#2 In-Law Problems
In-law jokes, especially mother-in-law jokes, are a part of our culture. Though extreme, they are based in the truth that in-law relationships can and often do create problems in marriages. Even if they don’t create overwhelming problems, there can be decisions that need to be made, e.g., where to spend the holidays.
Actual, your in-laws are never the problem. You are! In-laws are a problem when one of you refuses to obey the basic command to "leave" father and mother and "cleave" to your spouse. Even though the Scripture specifically mentions the husband leaving and cleaving, it applies to both. It was spoken to the husband as the one who sets the example; but obviously you cannot leave and cleave unless both are committed to the new union.
Depending upon your parents, it will be more or less difficult to have a relationship with them while putting your marriage first. Parents can put unusual pressure on their kids. It’s up to you to resist their pressure and manipulation and let them know, by word and deed, that you believe that the marriage is the new priority in your life.
It is not a matter of failing to "honor father and mother." You continue to honor and respect them… But you do so by living biblically. Many times your parents need to be taught the importance and place of marriage. You teach them.
#3 Financial Problems
There is a wealth (no pun intended) of good information about how to manage your finances. Pick up a book by Larry Burkett and begin to implement some or all of his suggestions.
When I say "financial problems," I don’t mean not having enough money! Finances become a problem in your marriage when you lack unity about how to acquire it and use it. Finances become a problem because of your attitudes toward money.
I’d like to mention two attitudes about your money that cause marital problems: Covetousness and Contentment.
First let’s read First Timothy 6:6-10.
1 Timothy 6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.
1 Timothy 6:7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.
1 Timothy 6:8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.
1 Timothy 6:9 But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.
1 Timothy 6:10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
Godliness - pursuing the disciplines of the Christian life as a disciple of Jesus - is a goal in and of itself. When accompanied with contentment, it is its own reward. "Contentment" is a word that indicates you live above your particular circumstances, with an inner resolve to trust in the Lord regardless your situation.
You started life with no material possessions; you can't take your accumulated wealth with you. Therefore, along the way you should be content if you have food and, literally, "shelter" - clothing to cover your body and a roof over your head. Paul reduces life on earth to its basic requirements to emphasize that this earth is not your home; you are just passing through.
You must learn to be content. In Philippians 4:11-13 you read,
Philippians 4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
Philippians 4:12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
God designs your status in life to instruct you. If you are abased, it is an opportunity to be instructed. If you are abounding, it is no less an opportunity to be instructed. This doesn’t mean you should never try to better yourself. But bettering yourself materially should never override spiritual priorities.
Covetousness is far more serious than we think. It is called idolatry in Scripture.
The "desire" for earthly wealth and the "love" of money are to be avoided. The news is full of stories of people whose lusts for wealth have been their undoing. Paul says that it can be your spiritual undoing - causing you to "stray from the faith.""Stray" and "depart" are serious words; "shipwrecked" and "turned aside after Satan" no less serious. There are people in churches who succumb to worldliness and leave the faith. Don't be one of them!
If you learn to be content, you won’t be covetous.
On a practical level, if you are having trouble with covetousness you might try giving!
Conclusion
When we started, we said "Your marriage was made in heaven, and your marriage can be made heavenly." Then we gave the Bible’s definition of marriage – It is a covenant of companionship. Everything we’ve said relates to our understanding of those two words, "covenant" and "companionship." If you keep them in mind and meditate upon them you will have the basic, foundational principle from which to proceed in every aspect of your marriage.