MARRIAGE MATTERS

Week Five – Courtship

Introduction

I called this class courtship on purpose in order to elevate your way of thinking. We usually think of courtship as a period of time that precedes marriage. We need to begin thinking of it as not only preceding marriage, but as proceeding during marriage.

God is romantic. He discusses His relationship with you in romantic terms. I’d like to suggest to you that God remains romantic. Does His love for you fade away after the initial courtship? I don’t think so - - and neither do you!

If God remains romantic past courtship into companionship, then it is imperative that you remain romantic past courtship into companionship. Courtship should continue.

Marriage resources all discuss sexual intimacy. Many fail to do so in the right context. I appreciate Steve Carr for recognizing this in the book you are reading, Married And How To Stay That Way. His chapter on sexual intimacy is preceded by a whole chapter on "Building Romance."

I want you to understand that romance is not just the activity that you occasionally are forced to engage in to get ready for sex! Romance, or what we’re calling courtship, is the biblical love that should be the on-going context of your marriage.

In your material I gave you a handout that has an illustration called "The Circle of Biblical Love." It’s from The Measure of a Marriage, by Gene Getz. It shows three concentric circles. The outermost circle, which contains the other two, is labeled "Agape." Within Agape is a smaller circle labeled "Phileo." Within both of those is a circle labeled "Eros."

Agape is the love of God in action through your life toward your spouse. It is independent of your emotional or physical needs or feelings. It is acting godly toward your spouse because it is the right thing to do.

Phileo is the love that relates to your feelings. But it is not just any feelings. It denies your selfish feelings and treats your spouse properly.

Eros is physical love, sexual behavior. It is designed by God to be enjoyed fully within the confines of marriage. But it must be governed by the boundaries of phileo and agape love!

Let me give you an important example. In First Corinthians 7:1-5 you read,

1 Corinthians 7:1 MKJV Now concerning what you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

1 Corinthians 7:2 MKJV But, because of the fornications, let each have his own wife, and let each have her own husband.

1 Corinthians 7:3 MKJV Let the husband give to the wife proper kindness, and likewise the wife also to the husband.

1 Corinthians 7:4 MKJV The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. And likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife.

1 Corinthians 7:5 MKJV Do not deprive one another, unless it is with consent for a time, so that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer. And come together again so that Satan does not tempt you for your incontinence.

One well-respected Christian author writes,

"It is never right for a person to withhold sex from his or her spouse; that is a clear violation of what the Bible teaches…The Bible urges couples to understand that each person in a marriage relinquishes the right of control to his physical body and desires when he gets married… Your body is to be given to your spouse to enjoy… We are warned about holding back in sexual matters…"

Do you agree? Or do you disagree?

I disagree. I think the author has reduced sex to its basest, physical level. He has taken it out of the context of agape and phileo; it is only eros.

Here’s what I mean:

Suppose your partner wants you to engage in a sexual activity that you are uncomfortable with, or find unenjoyable. If you "relinquish the right of control to [your] physical body," then it’s just too bad for you! But if both you and your spouse are trying to operate within the circles of biblical love… He or she will not force anything upon you, and you should be open to considering their desires.

These circles of biblical love are critical to courtship. Let’s look more closely at them.

#1 Your Agape Toward Your Spouse

It’s my understanding that the word "agape" was used by the writers of Scripture to describe the love of God. It is best demonstrated by Jesus Christ on the cross at Calvary. It is the decision to act in the most loving way possible towards the other person. It is independent of your feelings. In fact, it subordinates your feelings and does what is right. It is made possible by the indwelling Holy Spirit:

Romans 5:5 MKJV … the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit given to us.

How can you put agape into courtship? I think you do it by retraining your mind to think about marriage according to the biblical principles we’ve learned thus far.

The Christian life is a transforming of the mind to think properly:

Romans 12:2 MKJV And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, in order to prove by you what is that good and pleasing and perfect will of God.

When you are not thinking properly:

2 Corinthians 10:5 MKJV pulling down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought into the obedience of Christ;

Agape courtship results when you transform your mind to think properly about marriage as a covenant of companionship: Commitment, companionship, communication, conduct, and (now) courtship.

#2 Your Phileo Toward Your Spouse

This word is used for love on a more emotional, or feeling, level. It is the root for the word philadelphia – brotherly or family love. It describes the positive, encouraging feelings you should have and cultivate toward your brothers and sisters in Jesus Christ.

Your spouse is your closest brother or sister in Christ! You should be cultivating phileo. It can be further defined using words like "affection" and "tenderness." This is still not referring to physical affection or tenderness, although that will follow. These are emotional attitudes.

The writers of the New Testament assumed that phileo could be learned. For example: Paul wrote to older women and told them to instruct younger women to "love their husbands" (Titus 2:3-4). It was the word philandros, from phileo.

The practical consideration here is to work at understanding your spouse. Why does your spouse act or react the way he does? What strengths or weaknesses does your spouse have? What dreams or desires motivate your spouse?

Analyze your spouse and then feel towards them the way you should.

#3 Your Eros Toward Your Spouse

Eros was used in the Greek language to describe sexual love. It is interesting to note that it is never used by the New Testament authors. This doesn’t mean that sex is wrong or improper or is never referred to in the New Testament. It’s probably not used because it carried the same negative connotation in their culture as it does today. When you think of something being "erotic," it is almost always illicit or deviant. So the New Testament avoids the word, but promotes sexual behavior as good and to be enjoyed.

In the passage we used earlier from First Corinthians, you get the idea that sexual behavior is good and necessary. In Hebrews 13:4 you read,

Hebrews 13:4 MKJV Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled, but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

In the Song of Solomon, there are two sexual encounters – on the wedding night, and later on a "second honeymoon." Both are pretty explicit, yet very reserved and poetic.

Look with me at the Song of Solomon 5:1. At the end of chapter four, Solomon and the Shulamite consummate their marriage in bed on their wedding night. Then you read,

Song of Solomon 5:1 MKJV I have come into My garden, My sister, My spouse; I have gathered My myrrh with My spice; I have eaten My honeycomb with My honey; I have drunk My wine with My milk. Eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O Beloved.

Who do you think is talking at the end of verse five, saying, "Eat, O friends; drink, yea drink abundantly, O Beloved"?

It’s God – looking down from heaven – expressing His approval upon their bedroom behavior.

I don’t want to intrude too much into your bedroom! I’ll only say this. The biggest problem I hear from couples struggling in the bedroom is that the husband doesn’t take the time to arouse and stimulate his wife so she can enjoy their sex. Take a lesson from Solomon, who takes his time and makes sure his wife enjoys their encounters.

Conclusion

You can remain romantic; you can continue to have courtship. The circle of biblical love is, I think, an important part of doing so. Your eros is governed by your agape and your phileo… Your phileo is governed by your agape… Your agape is the gift of God, poured into your heart by the Holy Spirit.

Always start with the spiritual and your emotional and physical life will fall in line with God’s plan and purpose for your marriage.