The Song of Solomon

"Incredible Intimacy"

Introduction

A fellow in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, who came in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don’t mind too much," she said, "but it has my husband pretty upset!"

We laugh because it hits close to home. Complaints about sex are common in marriage counseling. Men complain it is lacking; women, that it is lackluster - - without excitement or vitality.

The Song of Solomon takes you right into the bedroom of Solomon and the Shulamite - - on their wedding night in chapter four, and on a second honeymoon in chapter seven. It describes, in poetic but direct terms, their lovemaking. As you compare both of their sexual encounters, you discover that their sex in neither lacking nor lackluster - - it is vibrant, passionate, and maturing.

There are lots of books, both Christian and secular, that discuss sexual problems in marriage. None of them can improve on the biblical teaching found in the Song of Solomon. Here is a manual on sex that beats all secular viewpoints on how a man and a woman should make love. Here is the viewpoint of God Himself.

Chapter four will be our major text, but I’ll borrow some things from other portions of the book as well. I want to address three major points as a group; then I’ll hammer the men in a separate, private session.

We’ll see three things: #1 Incredible Intimacy Requires Planning, #2 Incredible Intimacy Requires Patience, and #3 Incredible Intimacy Requires Participation.

I mentioned that chapter seven records a sexual encounter. You can read it in verses seven through ten. Look at what Solomon says, in verses seven and eight,

Song of Songs 7:7 This stature of yours is like a palm tree, And your breasts like its clusters.

Song of Songs 7:8 I said, "I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of its branches." Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, The fragrance of your breath like apples,

Their having a great time! The Shulamite says, in verses eleven through thirteen,

Song of Songs 7:11 Come, my beloved, Let us go forth to the field; Let us lodge in the villages.

Song of Songs 7:12 Let us get up early to the vineyards; Let us see if the vine has budded, Whether the grape blossoms are open, And the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love.

Song of Songs 7:13 The mandrakes give off a fragrance, And at our gates are pleasant fruits, All manner, new and old, Which I have laid up for you, my beloved.

"There I will give you my love." Where? In this case, they were on a trip away from the cares of daily life - - a second honeymoon. That is not always practical; you can’t always get away, whether because of finances or family. But you can - - and should - - still plan for successful sex.

For example, you plan by minimizing distractions. Are the kids home? Is the phone going to ring? If so, is the answer machine on - - and can you hear it? When you plan to minimize distractions, you heighten the expectation for sex, and you can have the freedom to enjoy it more.

You should occasionally plan to get away. It doesn’t have to be super expensive. But when you get away, alone with each other - - again, there is a wonderful expectation that builds.

Planning is something both of you can do. Next is something you husbands can do:

Men and women approach the issues of love, romance, and sex from very different perspectives. They have very different needs and, therefore, engage in sexual intimacy for very different reasons. Dr. Willard F. Harley in his book, His Needs, Her Needs, states that his counseling experience has enabled him to identify five basic needs men stated that they expect their wives to fulfill, and five needs women stated that they expect their husbands to meet. While these may not be completely accurate and representative, they are interesting and insightful.

The man’s five stated needs are:

1. Sexual fulfillment.
2. Recreational companionship.
3. An attractive spouse.
4. Domestic support.
5. Admiration.

The woman’s five stated needs are:

1. Affection.
2. Conversation.
3. Honesty and openness.
4. Financial support.
5. Family commitment.

Sexual fulfillment, #1 on the man’s list, doesn’t even appear on the woman’s! Her #1 need is for affection. A man wants sex; a woman wants affection. Too often this results in a sad trade-off: The woman gives sex to get affection, and the man shows affection to get sex.

By far the number one complaint from women about their husband’s sexuality is that he doesn’t take the time to properly arouse and stimulate her. He seems too interested in his own pleasure, and uninterested in hers. This is what I meant earlier by lackluster - - there’s nothing exciting for the wife.

In chapter two, verse six, and again in chapter eight, verse three, the Shulamite says,

Song of Songs 2:6 His left hand is under my head, And his right hand embraces me.

The word "embrace" means to stimulate sexually. She is expressing her desire that her lover take the time to stimulate her. It’s an acknowledgement that, generally, women take longer to be aroused than do men. Men are easily - - perhaps too easily - - stimulated. They respond immediately to visual cues, much more so than most women.

Solomon is a guy who somehow understands that truly successful sex requires his patience in arousing and stimulating his spouse. We’re going to read the account of their lovemaking on their wedding night with a view towards recognizing the husband exercising patience.

Song of Songs 4:1 Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove's eyes behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats, Going down from Mount Gilead.

There are going to be some interesting metaphors in his pillow talk to the Shulamite. When he praises her eyes like "doves," he seems to mean that her eyes were bright and alert, soft and innocent.

Next he speaks of her hair, probably as he caresses it. We haven’t watched "a flock of goats going down from Mount Gilead" lately! As those goats returned home in the twilight, zigzagging down the slopes, they flowed gracefully against the mountain. Just so, her hair was gracefully flowing down to her shoulders.

Song of Songs 4:2 Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep Which have come up from the washing, Every one of which bears twins, And none is barren among them.

You’ve undoubtedly been told by your dentist, "Be true to your teeth or they’ll be false to you!" She had a full, straight set of teeth. But more than that - - he compared them to the shorn sheep coming up out of the water. Just as such a sight would invoke a smile, her smile made him smile.

Song of Songs 4:3 Your lips are like a strand of scarlet, And your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil Are like a piece of pomegranate.

She had beautiful lips, and her cheeks were flushed with color - - indicating her excitement.

Song of Songs 4:4 Your neck is like the tower of David, Built for an armory, On which hang a thousand bucklers, All shields of mighty men.

This seems an insult to us! We hear him saying, "You look like a giraffe!" In literature, the position of the neck indicates character. The neck bent indicated humiliation; the stiff neck indicated stubbornness. The tower of David was their military fortress. It symbolized faithfulness and strength and integrity. The way she carried herself reflected these same traits.

Song of Songs 4:5 Your two breasts are like two fawns, Twins of a gazelle, Which feed among the lilies.

He started with her eyes and is moving downward. Now we’re getting pretty serious! He is expressing his longing to caress her breasts - - just like you want to caress a little fawn in a - - pardon the pun - - petting zoo.

So far, by my count, he has praised seven aspects of her physical beauty. Seven is the number of perfection; she is perfect to him!

Song of Songs 4:6 Until the day breaks And the shadows flee away, I will go my way to the mountain of myrrh And to the hill of frankincense.

Song of Songs 4:7 You are all fair, my love, And there is no spot in you.

Song of Songs 4:8 Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, With me from Lebanon. Look from the top of Amana, From the top of Senir and Hermon, From the lions' dens, From the mountains of the leopards.

Most guys would have been done making love by now; he hasn’t even really begun! He’s still stimulating her. Here he is reassuring her emotionally that she is safe with him, that she has nothing to fear in giving herself to him. He is indicating that he is just as interested in fulfilling her desires as he was in fulfilling his own.

Song of Songs 4:9 You have ravished my heart, My sister, my spouse; You have ravished my heart With one look of your eyes, With one link of your necklace.

Song of Songs 4:10 How fair is your love, My sister, my spouse! How much better than wine is your love, And the scent of your perfumes Than all spices!

Song of Songs 4:11 Your lips, O my spouse, Drip as the honeycomb; Honey and milk are under your tongue; And the fragrance of your garments Is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

Before you freak out, let me point out that "sister" was a term of affection used between lovers. By the way, it would seem from verse eleven that the French did not invent french kissing!

In verses eleven through sixteen, their lovemaking is consummated:

Song of Songs 4:11 Your lips, O my spouse, Drip as the honeycomb; Honey and milk are under your tongue; And the fragrance of your garments Is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

Song of Songs 4:12 A garden enclosed Is my sister, my spouse, A spring shut up, A fountain sealed.

Song of Songs 4:13 Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates With pleasant fruits, Fragrant henna with spikenard,

Song of Songs 4:14 Spikenard and saffron, Calamus and cinnamon, With all trees of frankincense, Myrrh and aloes, With all the chief spices;

Song of Songs 4:15 A fountain of gardens, A well of living waters, And streams from Lebanon.

Song of Songs 4:16 Awake, O north wind, And come, O south! Blow upon my garden, That its spices may flow out. Let my beloved come to his garden And eat its pleasant fruits.

Remember that this account is of their wedding night. She was a virgin; her virginity is compared to a locked garden with a sealed fountain. Their love is consummated in the shyest, yet most direct and beautiful, descriptions of sex in all of literature.

Solomon was a patient lover. He desired that his bride enjoy their lovemaking as much as he did - - and he took the initiative to insure that she would. His patience made theirs successful sex - - for both of them.

What is the woman’s part?

The Shulamite, though largely silent, nevertheless is a very active participant in their lovemaking. Ladies: Men do not naturally know how to stimulate you! They need help; they need your participation.

First, look again at verse eleven:

Song of Songs 4:11 Your lips, O my spouse, Drip as the honeycomb; Honey and milk are under your tongue; And the fragrance of your garments Is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

Although Solomon is speaking, he is describing their kissing - - long, passionate kissing in which she is very responsive.

When he speaks of the "fragrance" of her "garments," it indicates that she had made herself attractive to him, sensual.

But most importantly, notice verse sixteen:

Song of Songs 4:16 Awake, O north wind, And come, O south! Blow upon my garden, That its spices may flow out. Let my beloved come to his garden And eat its pleasant fruits.

This is the Shulamite speaking. She is encouraging Solomon to consummate their lovemaking. She is telling him what is going on with her, communicating with him, helping him to please her.

Listen, ladies: Most guys will keep giving you a back rub in the same spot for hours unless you suggest to them they move on! We need help! We don’t understand - - at least initially - - how you’re made. Your participation will make for successful sex.

Conclusion

The first verse of chapter five makes for a fitting conclusion to their lovemaking:

Song of Songs 5:1 I have come to my garden, my sister, my spouse; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk. Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones!

Solomon changes metaphors from the garden to the feast. He is satisfied and filled and refreshed - - as if he had just feasted. And he had, both of them had. Their sex was a great celebration of marital love.

There is a curious phrase at the end of the verse: "Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones!"

Who is talking? Certainly not any wedding guests; that would be perverse. And it is neither of the lovers, for they are the ones being addressed.

God is speaking! He lifts His voice and gives His approval of their lovemaking. He vigorously and heartily endorses and affirms the physical love they have shared. He takes pleasure in what has taken place. He is glad they have feasted on lovemaking.

That ought to set you free from any notions still lingering that God is a prude! The only really great sex is sex God approves of - - in marriage.

God wants you to have great sex. Successful sex. Both of you should plan for it; you husbands should be patient in it; you wives should participate in it.

You’ll be glad you did, and God will be glorified.